One year ago today...

....I was sitting in my OBGYN's office waiting for my ultrasound. I was HUGELY excited. Mike was with me and we had gotten Elijah out of school so could find out if he was getting that sister he was praying for or another brother. Andrew was at my sister-in-law Anna Lisa's house since he was only 2 and wouldn't have really gotten what was going on.

After getting there we found out that my appointment was an hour earlier than I had thought and they were going to make me come back the next week. I was sooo bothered - as any pregnant girl would be to have to wait. But then they decided they could fit me in if I would wait. We waited and finally got in. Immediately I knew something was wrong by the look on the technician's face. She then went out and got my doctor and when my doctor came in they checked a few things together and then they sent Elijah out. Once that happened I started getting tears in my eyes. Mike still had no idea that anything was wrong but I knew something big was about to happen. All I could say to my doctor was, "The baby isn't doing so well, is it?" She replied, "No honey, the baby's not alive."

It turned out that the baby died sometime in the days before the ultrasound - probably about two days before. We had to go out and explain to my excited 5 year old that the baby had died. We were all profoundly sad. It was really hard. We then had to make the calls to moms and dads and sisters and brothers to let them know what had happened. We still aren't really sure what happened with the baby. Though she was a little girl - 19 weeks along. She looked healthy but it appears that my placenta got some sort of infection which in turn in the weeks before my ultrasound made it so my baby wasn't getting the rich healthy blood it needed.

At that time we were living in Kingwood in a big house that we wanted to get out of and Mike was in a job that was going down hill because of the housing crunch. Here's my post from that time last year. I am sharing all of this because now this morning I was once again at my OBGYN's office waiting for my appointment. Except this time it's a week before I am going to give birth to my third son. We live two hours north of where we used to live. Mike is working in a new job with great oppurtunity and we live in a small rental home with five chickens out back. In some ways, we are so far from where we were last year and yet we couldn't be happier. If someone would have told me that in a year we'd be here with all of the changes that have gone on, I know I wouldn't have had the faith to believe them. In fact, my faith is what was most affected by that experience. It took me a long time to hope again. To believe that good would come in my life. I feel bad that I lost that hope so easily and I also feel grateful for a patient Father in Heaven who was willing to gently show me the way back to hope again.

I already was learning that you never know where you are going to end up but this year has really exhibited that for me. And even though you may not have any idea how things will all work out or how the path goes on or where it ends up - you cannot give up hope. I really hope now that I can gain the strength that nothing can beat me. That no matter what life throws at me I am going to keep going forward. That I won't ever give up. Hopelessness is an ugly place to be. I decided after the miscarriage and other things that were happening that I couldn't put my trust in the "arm of flesh" - meaning my husband's job, my house, or even the lives of my children or my husband. It's a hard thing for any mom to even fathom when it comes to losing a child or husband - but I now believe that even those experiences won't give us a "get out of life free" card. We cannot be beat. We must get up, brush ourselves off, and keep going. Though the pain will be intense and sometimes, if not often, seem overwhelming, I think if we are willing to get back up then we will be strengthened and joy will return to us.

I have been so blessed this year. By things such as this pregnancy, by a loving relationship with my husband, and by the little things friends and teachers have said. When we moved it had only been three months since the miscarriage and our new church congregation or ward asked us to speak - as is customary for the new people. The topic they gave us was, "Blessings after tribulation". I was like, "Are you serious? Did someone put you up to this?" At that time I had some things to say about that - but this year has been a case study in it. So, for all of you who are feeling like you don't know how you're going to get out of where you are now, or how you'll ever get what you are hoping for...don't worry - it's coming. And though it may not be the simple point A to point B that you thought it would be, all those extra stops in between will make the destination all the sweeter and fuller. As long as you don't give up hope in God. Keep on trusting. Even in if means you have to chuckle, shake your head and say, "I have no idea how this is all going to work out, but it'll sure be fun to see how He does it."

I'm sure many of you are learning these same things and could share amazing stories of ending up somewhere completely different then where you thought. Wouldn't life be dull if it were any other way? We should look back and remember those changes & share them - to remind all of us of the beauty of life and the necessity of hope. "For we are saved by hope" -Romans 8:24

So now, I wonder where I will be next April 24th?

The blues and St. Patrick's Day

The first 2/3rds of my day was pretty horrible. I was tired and listened to talk radio and the combo of those two can sometimes be bad. Today it was particularly bad because Glen Beck was talking about how doomsday is looming - he didn't say it like that, but pretty much how bad the economy is and how it's going to get sooo much worse. I was so caught up in it that I actually posted the transcripts from his show and started on a downward spiral wondering how we were going to survive this financial crisis.

After about an hour of that I realized that perhaps I needed a change of attitude. I deleted the post - you may have caught it before I did - sorry if so. We went to the store and got some green food for dinner. Spinach fettuccine with pesto and green grapes - I wanted to keep it simple so the boys would eat it! And I came up with a game for our family night that centered around both St. Patrick's Day and gratitude.

We went to CVS pharmacy and bought a $1.99 hat and some chocolate coins. We each took turns acting as the Leprechaun - who is visiting for the holiday and giving money for those who can name things they are grateful for. We explained that just like we will be rich at the end of the game when we count our coins - in real life we will see how rich we really are when we count our blessings. It's not a really amazing idea by any stretch but it totally worked for the kids and got their wheels turning because everybody had to name 8 things by the end - and in order to get the coin they had to be explained - the hows and whys. I really like this image showing Andrew thinking and then getting his gold. Andrew had some really original ones - my favorite was:

"I am grateful for....ummm....that we can buy chairs!"
"Chairs? Do you like chairs?"
"Ya, they are really nice."
"What's your favorite chair?"
"Wood ones"(all the while eying the candy)

Anyhow, we finished out the night with some mint ice cream(it's green) and all in all had a pretty good night. And now, my doomsday has passed. A couple months ago I was feeling really down and I realized I had been feeling down for a while. I thought, "Oh my gosh - I'm depressed." I called my mom and cried to her for a while after doing the same to Mike. And eventually I came to the conclusion that perhaps it was like postpartum but during pregnancy and that I should ask my doctor for some medication. I wasn't sure how I felt about it but the doctor said it sounded like depression and gave me a prescription and I decided to fill it. Well the pharmacy was all out - a lot of people must be feeling the same way! While waiting for the meds to come in I started thinking and reading and realized that I didn't ever take this to the Lord.

The next day I was listening to talk radio - this time it was good because it was Dennis Prager and he was talking about happiness. He said, "The happy make this world better, the unhappy make it worse - end of story." And that happiness is a moral obligation - click on his name you can read his article on this. And I realized, "I am not making this world better - nor the lives of my husband and my sweet children. I can decide to add joy to this world or to take it away." In the end what I knew that I needed more gratitude. I took that journal I had made and turned it into a gratitude journal. I decided every time I had a sad thought - I'd think happy ones. That every time I prayed - I'd ask for things - with faith I'd receive them. I couldn't believe how immediately my mood changed. And within days I felt completely better. I have had a couple hard years with the miscarriage and other things and I think I let myself get sucked into all of that hard stuff - I kept finding myself saying "I'm having a hard time because I had a hard year." But there was always some new hard thing I could blame my blues on - now with my change of outlook I see that it doesn't matter what happens to me - it's how I deal with it. I know everyone knows that principle but somehow I was missing it in my everyday world. I still have days that are blue - like today - but as soon as I employ those few little tricks I feel better.

I whole heartedly believe that most bad moods or depression can be solved with gratitude. In "True to the Faith" - an LDS gospel reference it says that gratitude is something we must work at and that"you cannot be bitter, resentful, or mean-spirited when you are grateful."79 It has taken work to be grateful and happy - and it will continue to - but I can be lazy in my mind and uphappy - sucking light from the world. Or I can be mentally active and make this world better.

Wow - I didn't realize this post was going to become something like this - maybe I should have saved this for my journal! But I wanted to share it. It's easy to get blue - especially for us moms. But really I feel empowered now - knowing that as soon as I change my attitude and open my heart to the good in this universe - I will be happy. It's work but I realized if I was going to give daily medication a try - shouldn't I try changing my attitude first?