Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Some days are yellow...

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Some days I love homeschooling. Today is one of those days. It's so cold out and the wind is whipping by but it's bright inside because all of the light is reflecting off the snow and through our windows. And the kids are happy and the things we're studying are interesting. I don't know why some days are just great. I won't tell you about the others when I'm pushing and shoving just to get some work done...

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

An unmended heart...


Ever since Asher was born and I tied my tubes I have found myself mourning again. Back when we lost that baby I told myself that that baby was coming back. That she was still going to join our family and that it was just a timing issue - that this body wasn't right for her. I didn't mourn a death but a postponement. But that doesn't mean I didn't go through an immense amount of pain but instead it softened the blow for me to think of it that way. In fact, one evening when I was putting Elijah to bed he asked me in his innocent 5 year old voice, "Did my sister die?" and I was overwhelmed with emotion and said, "Oh no, she's coming back, that body just didn't work for her." And then I got pregnant and hoped it was my daughter trying again but it wasn't. And I was glad to have Peter so I put the thought out of my head. And then I got pregnant again and I was too busy to think about the one we lost, yet I was sure that this was a girl. And then it was Asher. And during my c-section I had my tubes tied. I knew it was the right thing to do and I still do but it's meaning was not lost on me. It meant that the daughter I thought I hadn't lost, I had. It means the body of the baby I had and didn't bury was her body. It means the little child I held for a short time but didn't name was only given to me for that short time. At least in this life.

And all of that has come upon me again. Not all of the time - but in the quiet times. When I'm driving alone in the car, or sitting in church, or falling asleep. And I don't know what to do with that or if there is any need to even wonder. I think I would do it differently if I could. Recently I stumbled upon a friend's friend's blog and she was posting about the loss of her child - two weeks older than the one I lost. And she had portraits taken of her son, and her parents came to the hospital and held him. And they had a memorial service and buried his tiny body. And it hit me, "I didn't do that - I just let the hospital take her body and dispose of it like it was some useless organ or something." And she had no love of grandparent. And she had no name. And she still doesn't.

It's strange to be going through this now - harder because of the time between me and the loss. Loss is a strange teacher. It deepens your ability to have compassion but it also confuses you and twists something deep inside into a shape you have no name for. And it's not some clear cut relationship - and it's not there all the time. It's shapeless and nameless but it exists.

And when people ask if I have all boys I answer yes but I also have a tiny thought inside of me that says, "I don't know." Because I don't know. I don't know if that tiny spirit belongs to me. I don't know if she will be there waiting for me when I pass from this life to the next. I don't know if I have a daughter. And I don't know if I'm disrespecting a daughter just by wondering.

When I was pregnant with that baby I felt her move very early on. I started to feel her about 14 weeks. And ever time I felt her move I was overwhelmed with love. I felt so much love for that child. It was like I had this sweet secret around me and filling me with happiness all the time. Looking back I wonder if that wasn't her spirit staying close by me. If that was our special time together. I gave several silent prayers of gratitude to my Father in Heaven for giving me the gift of this child. And so when she died I felt tricked. I had given my heart to this child. We had loved and then she was taken. He knew how much I loved her and how grateful I was for her and yet he took her away. And I was hurt, I felt betrayed. And so I decided it just wasn't her time. And now I find myself here.

It's not that I don't have an immense amount of gratitude for my healthy boys. I love them with all my heart. I just wonder if I have a daughter that my heart needs to acknowledge. If I have a name to give.

Sick babies are sad but oh so sweet.

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Sick babies are content just to rest their warm cheeks against their mom's breast and nothing is better than that. Get better soon, Asher!

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Friday, October 23, 2009

There Was a Child Went Forth by Walt Whitman


There was a child went forth every day,
And the first object he look'd upon, that object he became,
And that object became part of him for the day or a certain part of the day,
Or for many years or stretching cycles of years.

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The early lilacs became part of this child,
And grass and white and red morning-glories, and white and red
clover, and the song of the phoebe-bird,
And the Third-month lambs and the sow's pink-faint litter, and the
mare's foal and the cow's calf,
And the noisy brood of the barnyard or by the mire of the pond-side,
And the fish suspending themselves so curiously below there, and the
beautiful curious liquid,
And the water-plants with their graceful flat heads, all became part of him.

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The field-sprouts of Fourth-month and Fifth-month became part of him,
Winter-grain sprouts and those of the light-yellow corn, and the
esculent roots of the garden,

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And the apple-trees cover'd with blossoms and the fruit afterward,
and wood-berries, and the commonest weeds by the road,
And the old drunkard staggering home from the outhouse of the
tavern whence he had lately risen,
And the schoolmistress that pass'd on her way to the school,
And the friendly boys that pass'd, and the quarrelsome boys,
And the tidy and fresh-cheek'd girls, and the barefoot negro boy and girl,
And all the changes of city and country wherever he went.

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His own parents, he that had father'd him and she that had conceiv'd
him in her womb and birth'd him,
They gave this child more of themselves than that,
They gave him afterward every day, they became part of him.

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The mother at home quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table,
The mother with mild words, clean her cap and gown, a wholesome
odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by,
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust,
The blow, the quick loud word, the tight bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture, the
yearning and swelling heart,
Affection that will not be gainsay'd, the sense of what is real, the
thought if after all it should prove unreal,
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time, the curious
whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?
Men and women crowding fast in the streets, if they are not flashes
and specks what are they?

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The streets themselves and the facades of houses, and goods in the windows,
Vehicles, teams, the heavy-plank'd wharves, the huge crossing at
the ferries,
The village on the highland seen from afar at sunset, the river between,
Shadows, aureola and mist, the light falling on roofs and gables of
white or brown two miles off,
The schooner near by sleepily dropping down the tide, the little
boat slack-tow'd astern,
The hurrying tumbling waves, quick-broken crests, slapping,
The strata of color'd clouds, the long bar of maroon-tint away
solitary by itself, the spread of purity it lies motionless in,
The horizon's edge, the flying sea-crow, the fragrance of salt marsh
and shore mud,
These became part of that child who went forth every day, and who
now goes, and will always go forth every day.

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p.s. Peter did his hair with lotion again - thus the psuedo comb-over...